Conflicts and relationship-related stress are part of everyday life. It is impossible to not experience disappointments with other people from time to time. These disappointments are actually helpful, as they test the strength of the relationship between two people. It helps the two people to discover whether they’re meant to be friends or not. After a disappointment, the victim and the perpetrator needs to undergo two required steps to prevent resentment and to reach reconciliation. These two steps are as follows :
— The perpetrator says and/or do something to heal the damage felt by the victim
— The perpetrator and victim repair the broken trust that’s been broken between them
There are manipulative individuals who attempts to skip this relationship repair process. They do this by offering a simple and rushed apology (“I’m sorry”), burying the disappointments they’ve caused, hoping it will go away. This could be perceived as dismissive and could actually create even more relationship damage, not less. Understand that an apology is only the beginning of repairing a relationship after a disappointment. It implicitly tells the victim the perpetrator cares about the victim. What is manipulative about an apology by itself only is that it has the potential to steal trust from the victim to the perpetrator, without the perpetrator restoring their trustworthiness.
These manipulative individuals are either unaware or uninterested in the work necessary to restore the victim’s pain and the victim’s trust in them. For these manipulative individuals, it is not about the relationship, it is about them. They are more concerned about the guilt they feel rather than the relationship or their social image. They want to be trusted again, and for things to be on “good” terms, even though they have not said/done enough to merit the trust again. Likewise, they also want to be accepted for their mistake and to receive reconciliation, without even bothering to acknowledging and considering what the victim wants, needs and feels.
Reversal: Countering Empty Apologies
The root of reconciliation is caring. However the perpetrator must still do extra work for reconciliation to happen. Hence, if you have received a mere apology, expect more from the perpetrator to test them how much they actually care about you. If they offer an excuse/rationalization for their behaviour, or try to dismiss the incident, then they do not care about you, they care more about themselves. If however the perpetrator is willing or has chosen to self-sacrifice themselves for you at their expense, then they care about the relationship.
You may choose to allow certain incidents to pass depending on the disappointments, but the lack of caring from their end can still be apparent throughout the rest of your relationship with that person. It could build up resentment for you, and it will only be a matter of time before something far worse happens.
