I started therapy in the fall of 2014, during my 16-month internship year. I had two goals. First, to deal with the stressful events during my childhood, and teenage years. Second, to resolve some of the issues I had with my current adult life. I was hoping that, after I’ve “completed therapy”, that I would transform myself into a better individual so I can return to my university a more “healthier” and “complete” person. I was very optimistic that I could finish all of it within 16 months.
I started out with two therapists close to where I was living at the time. My initial expectations was that the first (the more experienced one) was going to help me with my childhood/teenage years, while the second one (the less experienced one) would help me with my current adult life instead.
In the first 2–3 visits of both, it was very clear that it wasn’t how I imagined it to be. The more experienced one and I didn’t really click well. This first therapist got me to do a few quizzes, and it seemed like we were keeping our distance and waiting for the session to finish already! I was only there for about 2–3 visits before she implicitly said that we weren’t a good fit with each other. I believe the nature of my issues was too hard for the therapist to empathize with me. The less experienced one clicked much better with me. I was very lucky that she lived one minute away from my residence and it made therapy an easy experience commute-wise. I instead opted to resolve both categories of my issues with her only instead.
She was very likeable and I found her to be very effective for what I needed at that time. Although, it was not really known to me at the time, my unconscious goal was to just release some of the negative emotions I’ve been holding onto. It was a slow cathartic experience that really helped me release my stored-up fear, pain, anger, hatred.
In the first weeks, this therapist and I focused on discussing the interactions I had with the people in my past. I’ve had some unhappy and unwanted memories that I just wanted to bring up. She was just there to listen and ask more questions. Session-by-session, I felt better about the past by just having an audience and trying to understand it better.
Then we moved onto wanting to contact some specific people that I wish I had a chance to speak to one last time but couldn’t or isn’t able to. In these situations, my therapist (who was fortunately for me also formerly an English teacher) helped me write letters to some of these people. Then in the situations where I could’ve spoken to them, she helped me prepare letters/speeches to these people. Overall, all these unsent and sent speeches/letters helped me to deal with the past better. I slowly and eventually got the closure I needed, and these people in my past became a distant memory. Looking back at it now, I don’t even remember most of the people I prepared a letter/speech for.
After a period of four months, I was satisfied that I considered my first goal completed, which was to deal with all the stressful events in my past. It was now safe to move onto my second goal, which was my present. Before the start of my internships, I was constantly trying to find answers and uncover the hidden questions that I had in my life. This was the perfect time to find what my questions were and what those answers to my questions were. We analyzed and unraveled the issues associated with all the previously discussed people. Those interactions with those people was a good starting point to find what my questions are and what my answers were. Every insight came to me lightened my mood and motivated me. Each epiphany transformed my life. Bit-by-bit, we were uncovering the unspoken truths I needed for myself that helped shape me into a more confident, more self-aware and overall, at-ease person. Eventually, it became a constant journey to find what the next question was and the answer to that question.
Eventually, school was starting soon. Time was running out. I had finished my first goal of releasing most of the stressful events in the past. However, I did not finish the second one to my satisfaction, which was to transform myself into a new person. Although I had many questions and answers still to discover, I accepted that these questions/answers would have to be uncovered during my time back to school.
